Called

Have you ever felt called to do something? Or like you have major calling in life?

I have...and it's to be a mother.

The only problem with that, is that I don't have any kids.

Pretty much as far back as I can remember I've been obsessed with babies. I started babysitting when I was around 10-years-old and I haven't stopped since. I was one of the busiest neighborhood babysitters all throughout my teenage years, I was a nanny in college, I loved watching my nieces and nephews and my cousins kids, and my sisters jokingly call me the "baby-whisperer". I currently watch kids from five different families and I absolutely love it! I also love getting to hold our next-door-neighbor's sweet baby girl and always get distracted at church by all the babies rolling around. I got my degree in Early Childhood education with a dream of one day opening an in-home preschool/daycare. At church I teach the 5-year-olds and do music with the nursery kids. Kids are just kind of my thing.

Pretty soon after Jimmy and I got married, I wanted to start having kids. Jimmy reminded me that we were both still in school and working and that it may be better to hold off just a little bit longer before we started trying. I realized that he was right and so I went on birth control for 8 months. February 8, 2017 was the last day I took that little pill. If you can do very simple math and know anything about infertility, then you know that this past February we reached that golden year mark of trying. In that year of trying there were about 50 ovulation strips, 20 negative pregnancy tests and many tear-filled nights.

I don't know why I was so convinced that we would get pregnant right away, maybe it came from the calling I have felt to be a mother or maybe I thought that because I wanted it so bad that it would just happen. But, for whatever reason, we haven't gotten pregnant and the struggle has been so real.

I think one of the hardest parts for me has been feeling happy for friends and family members when they become pregnant while simultaneously feeling frustrated and jealous. Many of the people I know are in the stage of life of having children and it's great. I love seeing their cute pregnancy announcements and gender reveals; I love shopping their amazon registries and sharing tips I've picked up from years of watching children; I love holding their sweet babies while they take a much needed nap; I truly do feel happy for them. But each announcement video and cute gender reveal Instagram post; each scroll through baby stuff on amazon; each time I hold a precious babe; I feel a sadness in my bones. I want it so bad and I don't have it yet.

Jimmy and I anxiously waited for our year mark to come so that the doctors would finally start doing tests to find out why we were struggling to get pregnant. I got some labwork and a sonogram done at the beginning of the year, while it took a little bit longer to get Jimmy's work done (his had to be done in San Antonio which is 2.5 hours away, we had to go twice, and the lab closes at 2pm, so that took some planning and patience). My sonogram came back clear and while all my labs were in a normal range, two levels were inverted which can be a sign of PCOS. That lab, combined with irregular periods, led my OB/GYN to give me a loose diagnosis of PCOS.

Now, I'm going to go on a little tangent here because it's part of my struggle. The level of OB/GYN care down here in Del Rio is poor at best. There is only really one doctor we can go to with a referral from the base clinic and I have not enjoyed my interactions with him (and last I heard he's no longer going to be practicing down here anyways). I saw him once in December, spoke to him for maybe 5 minutes, he ordered some labs and the sonograms, and then, before receiving results from anything, gave me a prescription from progesterone. I didn't fill it because the labs showed my progesterone levels to be within a normal range. I didn't see him again until this past week. And during that in-between time I didn't get a single call about my lab results or sonogram results; I went in a picked up my lab results myself and when I asked about my sonogram results (more than a month after getting the actual sonogram) a doctor hadn't even looked at them yet. Frustrated is putting it lightly. So I met with him and he asks me if I've been taken the prescription he gave me. I said "no" and his whole demeanor changed. When I brought up my labs he brought up PCOS. When I asked him why he thought it was PCOS when I didn't have most of the sign and symptoms he said because of the two inverted levels. When I asked if I could get further testing to be more sure in the diagnosis, he said "this result tells me its probably PCOS, so we are going to treat it like it's PCOS". When I told him I wanted to explore more nutritionally-based, holistic approached to healing the potential PCOS rather than just take a pill, he basically told me that if I wouldn't take the pill he prescribed then I really didn't need to come back and see him anymore. I came home from that appointment crying (from sadness, frustration, anger, pick one).

So now I'm going to take that diagnosis of PCOS, find myself a functional medicine doctor who actually cares about me and what I want, research ways to naturally heal from PCOS (Whole30 here I come), wait patiently (or maybe not so patiently) for Jimmy's test results, and try to continue to have faith and trust in Heavenly Father's plan for me, Jimmy, and our future family.

Some of you may be wondering why I'm sharing something so personal for the whole internet to read and here is my why: infertility is something that many people struggle with, but few people talk about. The conversation is starting to happen more and I'm so grateful that it is. I want to contribute my story to the conversation in the hopes that it may reach someone one a personal level and give them hope in their journey (or in the least they will feel like they have someone they can talk to about their struggles).

If you are struggling, know that you are not alone. If you have babies, know that I still want to love on them. And, if you want someone to talk to, know that I'm always hear with a free ear and an open heart.

Much love,

Messi Jessi

PS. I didn't plan on this being published on Mother's Day; I actually started writing it about two weeks ago and the idea has been floating around in my head for months. But, I feel like it is a fitting day to put it out into the world. Today was a hard day. I cried through most of church (and after). My heart had never felt so broken over the fact that I am not yet a mother. But, I reminded myself (and my husband did too) that our time will come and we need to have faith in the Lord's plan for us and for our future family.