Our Journey to IVF Part 4 - The Result

The day was finally here, we could get a blood work pregnancy test done!

On Thursday we woke up early and headed to the hospital lab to get our pregnancy test. Even thought it was STAT ordered it could still take a few hours before our doctor would call us with the results. I was really hoping that the call would come before Jimmy had to leave for work, but it came about 20 minutes after he left.

I could tell the second our doctor started talking what the results of the test were.

Doctor: "did you take a urine pregnancy test or anything?"

Me: "Nope"

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but the test was negative"

(I did end up taking a urine pregnancy test because I wanted physical proof, I'm stubborn like that.)

My mind kind of just went numb at this point. Tears started to well up but I tried fiercely to hold them back until I finished the conversation. The doctor went over some of our options and then the conversation was over. The tears started to flow. I turned off the TV, put the dog in his Kennel, went into our bedroom and just let them wash over me.

I cried, I prayed, and then I cried some more.

I got up to take a shower, numbed out for a little bit on my phone, then cried myself into a nap, waiting for Jimmy to get home.

Having to tell Jimmy about the results was almost worse than hearing them from the doctor. He walked into our bedroom and I woke up in a groggy fog.

Jimmy: "Did you get a call?"

Me (head still buried in my pillow): nods yes

Jimmy: "and?"

Me: shakes head no

The tears start all over again, eased a little bit by the fact that Jimmy was now there with me. We snuggled on the bed, cried together, talked together, and tried to process what was happening.

After going through a myriad of emotions, we both realized that we had an overwhelming sense of peace. Yes, we were (and still are) sad, disappointed, a little frustrated; but we felt that things were going to be okay and that God has a plan for us and our family.

Once the tears dried, we did what anyone would do in this situation. We drove an hour to the nearest IHOP to drown our sorrows in breakfast food, we walked around Target for 20 minutes to help lift our spirits, and then we planned a little weekend getaway (which ended up being the perfect thing for us).

(For our little getaway we drove down to Waco and Dallas, it was perfect)

We are still processing and working through our feelings, but honestly and truly we are okay. Do we wish the results had been different? Absolutely! I put my body through so much and everything was going so well the entire time. We had truly gotten our hopes up and I was disappointed in my body when it couldn't do the one thing it needed to do on its own. The whole time we knew this outcome was a very really possibility, but we chose not to dwell on it because it would have sent me into a downward spiral of anxiety and depressions. Now that it is our reality, we are relying a lot on our faith to pull us through and to help us accept what is.

There are two things that really helped me the day after we got the results. The first was part of a message from a friend who has gone through IVF herself. She said:

"But Jessi I can PROMISE you. It is worth it. If you are running a race, you can't reach the finish line if you just sit down and quit. You keep running or you don't finish. You keep fighting this fights. I know with all my heart that every ounce is worth it. You do not get a baby in your arms if you stop moving forward. You can do this!"

The second was a scripture I read Friday morning. It reads:

" 19 And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save. 20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

Jimmy and I know that God has a plan for us and a plan for our family. We just need to remember that His timing and knowledge is greater than ours and then if we endure with faith and hope, we will be blessed.

So for now, we are working on figuring out our options. Our clinic no longer had openings in its June cycle for frozen embryo transfers, so we are deciding if it will be less expensive to ship an embryo to one of the other five military hospitals that does IVF and me travel to whichever one to do the transfer or to go through the civilian clinic in San Antonio where our embryos are currently being stored.

But no matter what, we are going to keep moving forward and keep doing what we can to grow our family.

We love you all so much and I know I've said it a bunch of times before, but I'm going to say again how grateful we are for the love, support, prayers, and good thoughts you have sent our way. We have literally felt them in our hearts and they have helped us through this difficult time.

There are still spontaneous moments of sadness and I'm trying really hard to not blame myself for the negative results, but we have had moments of happiness, our faith has increased, and we have been able to grow closer as a couple, for which I am incredibly grateful.

I know this post is a little all over the place, but I didn't want to leave people in the dark any longer and I was ready to share this piece of our journey.

As we head into the next chapter, I will still be blogging about it (among other things) and I will continue to share our story because I feel like if it helps just one other person struggling through infertility, then it will be worth it.

Much love,

Messi Jessi