A Husband's Perspective of IVF
As it is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), I thought it would be the perfect time for this post. When it comes to infertility and IFV, we here a lot from the women going through it (as is to be expected), but the men go through it too. So, here it is, Jimmy's version of our IVF journey, with no input or edits from me; honestly, I tear up every time I read it because I just love him so dang much and he has been my rock through all of this.
To start with, some background. I’m a pretty private person. I mostly keep to myself, don’t talk a whole lot, and very rarely post anything on social media. Those of you who are friends with me probably can’t remember the last time you saw an original post from me. So basically, it makes me a little uncomfortable to have all these posts share some pretty intimate details about my life, but they’ve been really good for Jessi so I’ve supported the idea. Recently she’s asked me to write a blog post sharing our story from my side, and now I’m finally getting around to it. Just know that if it were completely up to me, I’d be keeping my mouth shut, but marriage is made up of decisions that are good for your spouse and hard for you, so here I am.
I don’t like the term ‘infertility’, especially as it applies to our situation. ‘Infertile’ just sounds so damning. Like it’s impossible to have a baby. That isn’t the case with us. We both just happen to have individual issues with our reproductive systems that, combined, make it really difficult to get pregnant without some medical assistance. Not impossible. In fact, we think during this whole journey of trying to have a baby, we may have been successful on our own at one point and had a miscarriage before we knew about it. This is just an idea based on what happened afterwards, but it’s nice to think that it is possible, just very unlikely.
Anyway, on to IVF. Honestly, it kinda sucks. I’m a pretty frugal person, as Jessi can attest to, and having a baby in the military is supposed to be great because insurance covers just about everything. So when we found out that this is going to be the best route for us, and how much it was going to cost was kind of a blow. Luckily, we’ve been saving money for a long time for large expenses, so we didn’t have to borrow any money. (Side note for the LDS people reading this, pay your tithing.)
Beyond the financial part, it still sucks. It took us almost a year of doctors appointments and 3 hour-long trips to San Antonio during the work week before we even had a good idea of what was going to work. Finally, back in October or November, we were told that IVF would be the best route, and that we could start this upcoming April. So more waiting. This time though, we got some good news. The clinic called us and said their January cycle had an opening that we could take if we wanted. We talked about it for a couple days and decided that moving up would be the best option, so we called them back and said yes.
At the beginning of December we moved to Oklahoma for about 6 months, meaning we were even farther from San Antonio than we were in Del Rio. However, there aren’t any closer military treatment facilities, so we just kind of had to make it work. Right after we got back to Oklahoma from Christmas/New Years traveling, Jessi had to drive the 6 hours to start the actual IVF process. It was about 3 weeks where she would be gone, giving herself shots on a regular basis and doing whatever else the doctors needed her to do. All without any kind of physical support for me. As far as IVF goes, this was probably the worst bit for both of us. For her, because she was by herself, and for me, because I knew there was nothing I could really do to help. We talked everyday, but my training schedule didn’t allow more than that.
About 2 weeks in, I had to make the drive down to make my one and only contribution to the whole thing. But I was glad to finally be able to be with Jessi again because she was having a hard time with it all. I was only able to stay for a few days, again due to my training schedule, but I was grateful for what I could get. After I left, Jessi was there for about another week so the doctors could do the actual embryo implantation, and then she came home and it was back to the waiting game for a bit.
At this point, we were really hopeful and excited that everything was going to work out because of how positively the doctors talked about the process. First round IVF patients have about a 60% success rate, but everything had gone so well for us up to that point. Then came the day to go in for the pregnancy test. I was able to go in with Jessi to the hospital to get the labs drawn, but they had to pass the info back to San Antonio who would then give us a call. I had to go into work before that call came, so I didn’t know if it was good news or bad until I got home a few hours later.
When I came home, everything was quiet in the house except the dogs wanting to get out of their kennels. I looked around downstairs, but no one was around, so I walked upstairs to the bedroom and found Jessi asleep on the bed. Fearing the worst, I laid down next to her, shook her gently, and asked her if she got the call. She nodded. I asked her if it was good news. She shook her head no. And that was it. All our time and effort, all the waiting and hoping. It all ended right then and there, and we were heartbroken. For awhile we just sat there on the bed holding each other. I don’t cry very often, but I was crying then. It was probably the hardest thing we’ve gone through as a couple.
That was 2 months ago now. If a cycle fails, then they take any extra embryos if there are any and freeze them. We got really lucky and ended up with 4 more that are currently in storage in San Antonio. So during the last two months, we’ve been working on options to be able to do a frozen embryo transfer, but so far, nothing has really panned out. The cheapest option, which is the only one that we can easily afford, would require Jessi to fly back to San Antonio in October. Unfortunately, that’s after we move to England. And that’s where we stand for the moment. Back to a game of waiting and hoping. In the meantime it’s back to normal life, or as normal as we can get while I’m finishing training.
We’re both sad right now, but still hopeful that everything will work out in the end. This has been a difficult trial for us, but we know that if we’re patient we’ll be able to have the family we dream about. When will that happen? Not really sure. But for now, we’re keeping our fingers crossed for October
